In Pakistan, if you listen carefully to conversations around you, you’ll notice something strange women are constantly saying “sorry.” “Sorry I’m late.” “Sorry I can’t cook today.” “Sorry I got promoted.” It’s like breathing – automatic and unnoticed. But why? When did simply existing as a woman become something that requires constant apology?
The Heavy Weight of “Sorry”
From childhood, Pakistani girls are trained in the art of apology. A brother makes a mess? “Beti, tum saaf kar do.”. A guest arrives unexpectedly? “Beta, tum chai bana do.” The unspoken rule is clear: women must keep everything running smoothly, and if anything goes wrong, it’s automatically their fault.
This conditioning follows us into adulthood. At work, women apologize before speaking in meetings “Sorry, just one quick point…”. At home, they apologize for being tired after a long day “Sorry, dinner is simple today”. Even when celebrating achievements, there’s always a “but” – “I got the job, but I’ll still handle all the housework!”
The Impossible Standards We Face
Pakistani society has created an impossible checklist for women:
- Be highly educated but don’t let it “ruin” your family life
- Have a successful career but always be available at home
- Be modern but not “too Western”
- Be ambitious but not “difficult”
A man working late is “Mashallah, kitna mehnati hai.” A woman working late? “Iska ghar kaun sambhalta hai?”
This double standard follows women through every stage of life. Young girls are told “Padh lo, par zyada ho mat jana.” Married women hear “Job to theek hai, lekin bachay kaun palay ga?” Even elderly women apologize for “bothering” their children with their needs.
Breaking Down the Apology Habit
Let’s examine some common unnecessary apologies:
1. Apologizing for Success
When a man gets promoted, it’s celebration time. When a woman does, the first reaction is often “Tum itna kaam karogi to ghar kaise chalega?” This forces women to downplay their achievements or – worse – feel guilty about them.
2. Apologizing for Taking Space
Watch women in public spaces. They squeeze themselves into small areas, constantly adjusting to make room for others. “Sorry, can I just…” as they try to exist comfortably. Men rarely do this – they naturally occupy space without apology.
3. Apologizing for Basic Needs
- “Sorry, I need to eat.”
- “Sorry, I’m tired.”
- “Sorry, I can’t do that favor right now.”
Since when did basic human needs become things to apologize for?
The Ripple Effect of Constant Apologizing
This habit does more damage than we realize:
- It teaches young girls their needs are less important
- It reinforces the idea that women should always put others first
- It creates workplace disadvantages – women who apologize too much appear less confident
It leads to burnout – trying to do everything perfectly to avoid “inconveniencing” anyone
How to Change the Pattern?
Ready to break free from unnecessary apologies? Here’s where we start:
1. Notice Your Automatic “Sorry”s
Start paying attention to how often you apologize unnecessarily. Try replacing some with:
- “Excuse me” instead of “Sorry” when moving past someone
- “Thank you for waiting” instead of “Sorry I’m late”
Silence instead of apologizing for your opinions
2. Challenge the Guilt
When you feel guilty for:
- Working late
- Saying no
- Taking time for yourself
Ask: “Would a man feel bad about this?” If the answer is no, let the guilt go.
3. Redefine Strength
Strength isn’t just about bearing burdens silently. Real strength is:
- Setting boundaries without apology
- Owning your achievements proudly
- Demanding equal treatment at home and work
4. Support Other Women
When you hear another woman:
- Downplaying her success (“It’s nothing special…”)
- Apologizing unnecessarily
Gently point it out: “You don’t need to say sorry for that!”
A New Normal for Pakistani Women
Imagine a Pakistan where:
- Girls grow up believing they deserve space, success, and happiness
- Women’s ambitions are celebrated as much as their sacrifices
- “No” is a complete sentence that doesn’t require explanation
Homes and workplaces share responsibilities equally
This change starts with each of us by noticing our unnecessary apologies, by challenging unfair expectations, and most importantly, by teaching the next generation that being a woman is not something that requires constant apology.
So the next time you’re about to say “sorry,” pause and ask yourself:
Am I actually wrong? If not, take a deep breath, and let that apology go. You exist. You matter. And that’s nothing to be sorry about.
